Love on Aspbergers

First of all, let me give you a brief description of Aspbergers syndrome. Asperger syndrome is an autism spectrum disorder, and people with it therefore show significant difficulties in social interaction, along with restricted and repetitive patterns of behavior and interests. It differs from other autism spectrum disorders by its relative preservation of linguistic and cognitive development. Although not required for diagnosis, physical clumsiness and atypical use of language are frequently reported.

This is a disorder that I discovered I have. I spent much of my life not knowing about this and when seeing a news story on it a light bulb seemed to go on and I suddenly understood much of my life and why things were as they were throughout my life. I checked with a doc once and described my life and he tended to agree. While it is a form of autism, it is one that does not restrict a person from most normal activities. Many famous people have it, including Bill Gates.

One area where Aspbergers has had a great impact in my life is in the search for love. I do not view or understand love as many do. I can say this not because I understand how people love, but I say this as a person who has difficulties in doing things that most people who are in love do. Individuals with AS experience difficulties in basic elements of social interaction, which may include a failure to develop friendships or to seek shared enjoyments or achievements with others (for example, showing others objects of interest), a lack of social or emotional reciprocity, and impaired nonverbal behaviors in areas such as eye contact, facial expression, posture, and gesture.

With a confusion or lack of ability to use such tools such as eye contact and such, people misread me at times. This is very prevalent when trying to date. One issue I have is an aversion to touch. This aversion is often misunderstood as distance or lack of interest as most people use touch as part of the process of getting closer to a partner. I also do not seem to grasp non verbal cues given by others. Flirting goes over my head most of the time. I have learned to recognize it, kind of like one learns history. I still don’t get it at times. Connection makers such as these and others make love an elusive thing.

For me (not sure about other AS people) love is more like a math problem. A+B=C. I will logically look at a combination of things in a woman then decide that I could love her. Say for example, her looks are all in proportion and she has certain qualities like a big heart, smarts, caring, has goals and tries to achieve them. Then I will assess how we communicate. This can be difficult with the literal way I read language, but you can tell if you spend a lot of time laughing and there seems to be agreement on thoughts expressed. At some point I conclude that something might be there.

Expression of love comes out for me in ways that I assume are different than the way many do. With the difficulties expressed before, my expression will probably come out in writing, or in actions of gifting or helping ion some way. With touch and eye contact being issues, there may not be that romantic moment of eyes locked and grabbing her in my arms for a passionate kiss. If I do try that, it will come across awkwardly (and has). The expressions can come across awkward or unexpected too because of the lack of non verbal cues.

It used to frustrate me greatly that things always seemed to not work out. I would always ask what I was doing wrong. Now I know. It is not that I am doing something wrong, it is just that I do not communicate in the same fashion as most people and that leads to misunderstandings. I am not nearly capable of communicating in fashions that most people do.

Perhaps some of it has to do with what people are told to expect in a relationship through media and peers who are just stumbling through things themselves. I don’t fit into those molds and often magazines and books may tell people that I am a red flag or that I am just not that interested because I don’t do A or B thing. Whatever it is, I am comfortable in my shoes now. I understand why I am the way I am. And to all those ladies who passed on me, I say this, I am the guy you always wanted after you found out what it is you really wanted. LOL